Monday, April 3, 2017

There is a swelling storm and I'm caught up in the middle of it all
And it takes control the boy I used to know
Of the person that I thought I was
In my hands
But there is a light in the dark
And I feel its warmth
It comes and goes in waves
In my heart
Why can't I hold on
It always does
The freedom of falling
It always does
We watch as our young hearts fade
It comes and goes in waves
Into the flood
The feeling I thought was set in stone
It slips through my fingers
Down to the place we used to lay when we were kids
Trying hard to let go
It comes and goes in waves
Through the wind
And carries us away
Saw you the other day for the first time after almost six months,the butterflies in my stomach and the beating of my heart still wouldn't calm down. Are you ever coming back again? Nah,I doubt so. I still had the urge to hug you from behind that night at the volleyball court but I couldn't do it even though you stayed still as if it was okay for me to hold you. That night I looked at you and I did not see the girl I used to be in love with, I just saw someone who I longed to be with but she didn't want me that way. I saw remorse,I saw regrets,I saw sadness,I saw the broken version of me standing in front of you silently begging you to love me back because it hurt so much I had trouble coping with it.
It felt unreal to be seeing you after all these months,I mean I am getting better that does not mean that I am okay with what I am feeling. You were not my first love but you were the first one I cared so much about and you were the first girl I have ever had all these feelings for. It scares me sometimes that I might not care about someone that much anymore or meet someone I can have all these feelings with/for. It was not easy for me to go into a relationship,I could do flings and stuff but it takes a lot for me to actually want to be in a relationship with someone unless I am 100% sure I want to put up with your shit everyday even though they annoy me. I had that with you,I used to think that I was okay with just being your 'close friend' but after we split up,I then realized I actually wanted to spend my whole life with you. With your annoying habits,with your stupid moves,with your bad days and your good days. With you,most importantly.
That night you looked at me funny,like there was something hidden behind that you had yet to spill out. I could not figure out what it was.I wonder if you still love me the same,or like me even for a bit. I am a coward when it comes to this,I can never bring myself to ask you those questions that have been keeping me up all these nights since you have been gone. I wish I could find someone to replace the emptiness you gave me but I can't bring myself to do it. There were plenty of chances where I could have had someone else but then in the end I realized it was you all along. I can't do it with anybody else. It won't feel the same like I did with you.Will there ever be a day where I tell you how I felt? I am not sure. Maybe being like this is better off.I should stop lying to myself and accept the fact we can never be more than friends and it will stay better this way. So I could be near you without having to feel awkward. So I could be the listener of your bad and good days. So I could hangout with you in the name of ' best friends '. So I could text you and call you anytime I want.
Dear L,I think of you at 2 in the morning. I think of you at 4 in the afternoon where I have just finished my class. I think of you when I am watching a movie wishing you were next to me and we would laugh at the stupid actors. I think of you when I am listening to certain song,all those words I wish I could say to you. I think of you when I am smoking, it was the last memory of us doing something together. As I inhaled, I saw your face. Blowing out, I saw you fading away. It was as if you were never there. Like we were never there.

Sunday, February 19, 2017

About moving on

      Seven exact months ago,that was when things started to fall apart. I was never the girl who cared about strangers nor some people that I sometimes say hi to. But on that hot sizzling day two years before this,I met you.I had absolutely zero memory of us getting close but yes we did and we got extremely dangerously close. Why would I use the word "dangerously"? Because when one gets too close to the edge,they fall. In this case,I was the one who fell hopelessly,madly,truly,deeply in love with you. And you,not quite so.
     I remember when I was starting to having those doubts and wanting to hold your hand while walking on the streets. I remember when I wanted to look into your brown orbs eyes and kiss you continuously. I remember wanting to spend all day with you in bed whilst doing nothing. I remember hating to have anyone near you fearing they would win you over. I guess that's when I knew I was in love with you. But darling, I've learned a fact that is : No one could ever take someone from you unless they will themselves to walk away from you. Two years of company was suddenly being pulled out of my life by unwanted force,maybe it was for the best. 
    And then there came the worst seven months,I stayed up every single night thinking about what went wrong. I drank and smoked to forget you but in contrast they only made me miss you more and want to text you and ask you if you ever felt the same. You created the hell I was pathetically in for seven fucking months. Though I don't blame you for it because you are so beautiful , I was the one to blame. Why was I so stupid to fall for somebody who would never consider me in the first place. But baby you are so beautiful. The curve of your lips when you smile. The tiny wrinkles formed on your nose when you are laughing really hard. The echo of your laughter rings through my mind. The space between your fingers were never made for me but for you I could cope. I know you like the back of my hand but I don't think you know me. Your favourite colour was purple but you never knew mine was red. Your favourite place to sleep on the outside of the bed but you never knew mine was too because I was giving you what you feel most comfortable with. Your favourite series was The Walking Dead but you never knew mine was The Vampire Diaries. You hated winter but you never realized I'd hold you throughout the night if you had let me. You hated thunders and rainy days but you never noticed how my worries appeared whenever the day started to cloud and all I could think of was you. You hated the dark but you never seemed to notice I was always there every time you called out for me. One move and i always know what you're trying to do or say, that's how well I know you. But you,my darling,have absolute no idea of who I really am but you never cared enough to get to know me though. 
    When I first watched the movie 'The Perks Of Being A Wallflower' , there was this saying that goes "We accept the love we think we deserve.", I used to not understand what does it mean but now I do. And you think you deserve her, let me prove you wrong. She does not deserve you. Not in any single possible way would she ever deserve someone like you. I'm not trying to say I deserve you because I know you're made for someone better but seeing you choose her over me, breaks me. But hey, I know you're happy with her and that's all that matters right? I don't know how to end this so,bye.